Saturday, June 8, 2013

On Money.

Very recently, I was given a somewhat-significant amount of money by my father's family. It is one-third of my father's portion of my grandparents' estate, and comes to more money than I have ever seen in my life.

Some people would call this sum insignificant. As I have said before, my family is very poor. This sum is more than my family lived on in a year while I was growing up.

I immediately put two-thirds of it into savings.

Now, I am considering taking half of that back out, putting it in a box, and putting it away until I can have surgery. One half of what I put into savings is a significant chunk of surgery -- almost all of it, in fact, from a certain doctor. I cannot conscience spending that much money on myself.

Which leads me to today's therapy session.

I have two rats. One of them has entered the "Mammary Tumours" lifestage for ladyrats, and has several large, hindering tumours, one under her right front leg and another right in front of her back left leg. I am very willing to spend some of this money on my rat to get her a little better quality of life. I am budgeting at least $500 for this.

I finished telling this to my therapist with "And I'm not sure why I'm willing to do that for my rat but not myself..."

After all, I am feeling intense reluctance to stow away some money so that I can get the lifesaving surgery to take off my massive, hindering mammary tumours. What makes me willing to spend money for surgery for my rat, but not the same surgery for myself? Other than the number of zeroes...

I think I may have let my therapist talk me into actually physically taking money and stashing it away to pay for surgery. I have also let her convince me that it's okay to buy a drafting desk, chair, and lamp. A pair of suits, some ties and shoes, since I'd be going to K&G and getting a free suit. Paying back the money I've borrowed from friends is a no-brainer. Getting my computer fixed so that I can have imaging editing software and some semblance of memory and performance again? Paying off the internet/tv bill so I can have internet at home again? I have been ordered to get new glasses and see if it fixes the migraines -- it might. Another pair of pants and some socks would be nice...

I spent most of this session talking about how freaked out it made me to be given a significant sum of money, and how terrified I was that I would waste it/spend it frivolously/end up being one of those "And he blew through his inheritance in a month and a half!" types.

My therapist informs me that she does not think that this is likely.

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